Shit I didn’t get for Christmas – Skymall edition
Monday, January 10, 2011 at 10:00AM | 7 Comments I can blame no one. I asked for nothing. I made no hints as to what I wanted, or what I needed. In fact, I honestly didn’t know. In the 2 months since I left Spain, I had not once thought about what I will need to buy before I return. But post holiday bustle, and as a toast to #2 of my new year’s resolutions, I sat down today and wrote out lists of stuff I have to do. One gigantic horrifically large mofo of a to-do item, is to buy everything I need for Spain. Damn.
As a result, I have concluded where my Christmas presents were lacking and I found some inspiration while scanning, page by page, through my most recently acquired SkyMall. For those of you who don’t know, I have a certain fondness for our airborn shopping magazine. So rather than actually begin the list like I should have, like, for reals, I sat down with my SkyMall and decided I would bitch about things in there that I want, that I never asked for. Logical, right?
Butt-Lifters: Lord knows I don't need this. But I'm buying them as party-favors for all of my friends. Please note how alien and misshapen woman looks in before and how her breasts got larger in the after JUST FROM USING BUT PADS!! Amazing.
Wrist attached, flip out cell phone carrier: A cell phone carrier that stays attached to your wrist? How ingenious. It's like I can't even think of anything to say that does this product justice. This is just. Well. It speaks for itself.
I pray to god that someday, I see someone walking around one the street with one of these on. I could only be so lucky.
Lightbright on bad crack: The only reason I want this is because it's a lightbright with LED lights. I mean, putting LED lights in a lightbright must make it 100K times better, right? I will play with this for MINUTES!
Keychain Money Hider: Ok. So this one isn't a joke. I think this is quite brilliant and probably something us travelers should have. I'm a freak about hiding money all over my person. I have $100 stashed in various places in different bags and pockets all over my pack, purse, daypack and usually some left back in the hostel. I think adding a keychain holder would be good. The only problem, I lose my keys daily and if they had $100 stuffed in them, I think I would have an even bigger problem.
Reader Comments (7)
God, I love Skymall. This post is hilarious, and who the hell needs butt pads?! Seriously.
@Brooke - I've seen some women who need but pads. About half of my sorority in college probably could have used these. Could have traded them in for the Bumpit's everyone bought instead. I'll make sure and pick you up a pair. For your own research, of course.
My fave is the wrist cell phone attachment. I know some folks who could definitely use one. They get twitchy if it isn't in their hand every minute. Even in the loo. When are you going back to Spain?
@Linda - Looking like March 20th is my magical date back in Spain. Obtaining a visa is not looking likely at this point, so I'm going to go back for my 90 days as a tourist and then retry the whole process again in the fall. Bummed a little bit, but right now, I really don't care, I just want to get back to my pony!
I used to love all these wannabe inventions as a kid. I had a huge invention streak going on for years dreaming up solutions to problems that didn't really exist. I recall one day I made automatic door openers/closers with piles of elastic bands so you could just touch the door and it would open, no door-knob turning required!
Maybe if I can sit down long enough, I can dream up the NEXT, hollow keychain, wrist-attched-cell-phone-holder-slash-walking-weight, or ass pad. I will be a hundredaire! (maybe)
@Dustin - I would buy the ass pad if I knew you were the inventor. I like the idea with the door opener! I totally would have saved up my pennies for that one. I invented a dog food dispenser one time that dispensed dog food so you didn't have to lean over to scoop it into a bowl. It actually worked, but required that you always had the machine filled with about 100 bags of dog food, which of course, led to unimaginable amounts of ants crawling all over my mom's kitchen. I think these electrical engineering geniuses have us beat on those two, since both have been solved by a little electricity. Oh well. I still say we're cutting edge. Bring on the inventions!
@Dustin - PS I just noticed the wrist-attached-cell-phone-holder-slash-walking-weight. I didn't see that the first time. What a brilliant idea! I love things with dual purposes.